| Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personals Ads: | |
| WOMEN'S ADS | |
| 40-ish...................... | 49 |
| Adventurer.................. | Slept with all your friends |
| Average looking............. | Has a face like a basset hound |
| Beautiful................... | Pathological liar |
| Contagious Smile............ | Does a lot of Ecstasy |
| Emotionally Secure.......... | Medicated |
| Free spirit................. | Junkie |
| Fun......................... | Annoying |
| Gentle...................... | Comatose |
| Good Listener............... | Borderline Autistic |
| New-Age..................... | All body hair, all the time |
| Old-fashioned............... | Lights out, missionary position only |
| Open-minded................. | Desperate |
| Outgoing.................... | Loud and embarrassing |
| Passionate.................. | Sloppy drunk |
| Poet........................ | Depressive Schizophrenic |
| Redhead..................... | Bad dye-job |
| Reubenesque................. | Grossly fat |
| Romantic.................... | Looks better by candle light |
| Social...................... | Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray |
| Voluptuous.................. | Very fat |
| Weight proportion w/ height........ | Hugely fat |
| Wants Soulmate.............. | Stalker |
| Widow....................... | Drove first husband to shoot himself |
| Young at heart.............. | Old bat |
| MEN'S ADS | |
| 40-ish................ | 52 and looking for 25 year old |
| Athletic.............. | Watches a lot of NASCAR |
| Average looking....... | Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back |
| Friendship first...... | As long as friendship involves nookie |
| Fun................... | Good with a remote and a six pack |
| Good looking.......... | Arrogant |
| Very good looking..... | Dumb as a board |
| Honest................ | Pathological Liar |
| Huggable.............. | Overweight, more body hair than a bear |
| Likes to cuddle....... | Insecure mama's boy |
| Mature................ | Older than your father |
| Open-minded........... | Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested |
| Physically fit........ | Does a lot of 12-ounce curls |
| Poet.................. | Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall |
| Sensitive............. | Cries at chick flicks |
| Very sensitive........ | Gay |
| Stable................ | Arrested for stalking, but not convicted |
| Thoughtful............ | Says "excuse me" when he farts |