patton

My fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war,
our mission in Iraq is complete

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of
all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30
days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is
short: The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Norway and Poland
are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list.

My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later
this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to
those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money
saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of
the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third
world hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on
corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call
France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to cut taxes
and solve some local problems. On that note, a word to terrorist
organizations- screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you
and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy
country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. You, boys. Work out a
peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can
go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big
tables, too.

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations
with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We
are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the
many diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two
unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded
and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your
tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be
turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New
York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are
going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try
not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President
Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude
adjustment. I have a couple of extra tank and infantry divisions sitting
around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start
doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty--starting
now.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying darn tootin'.

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the
planet. It is time to cut taxes here because we will not be spending on
other peoples problems.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead. God Bless America.

Thank you and good night.