I was born and raised Roman Catholic, and contrary to the popular theory-  that those raised Catholic end up Protestant-   I'm STILL Catholic.

Growing up Roman Catholic has been challenging, exhilarating, imposing, rewarding, intimidating, and comforting all at the same time.  Throughout many years I  was the "perfect Catholic", following all the rules without question, blurting out doctrine as I thought it applied to questions, all the while when hearing myself, thinking I sounded totally inane.  I never allowed myself to admit that I really didn't understand what I was saying. This created an inner turmoil that came to the surface during my mid-twenties.

I found myself slowly, but surely, doing the unthinkable.....questioning the Church and its teachings! I used to be so good at brushing these feelings aside, tightening the blinders and moving forward through all the doubts. There is a line from the play "Agnes of God", which reads, "...does every question have to have an answer?"-- I love that line! It was my life's philosophy for a long time. Don't question, just do what you're taught. However, the fact that I'm human, only allowed me to continue that to a point. Ultimately, I couldn't deny my conscience any longer. This was the beginning of what I like to call my “Almost Schism” with the Church.
 

During my twenties I thought I was doing really well. But over time, something became more and more obvious to me.....I was actually struggling in almost every aspect of my life. On the surface everything seemed fine, but inside something was missing.
 

Growing up, I had always found comfort in the Church. I felt protected. The Church had brought me through high school virtually unscathed. It provided me armor against peer pressure. I was able to use it, in a sense, as an excuse. No one ever really questioned me when I gave the standard line, "I can't.....I'm Catholic". This kept me from having to deal with moral issues such as drugs, drinking, and teenage sex. And although in later years I may have had mixed feeling about the Church, I will always regard that sanctuary as a great gift, and one of the reasons I've remained loyal..
 

Unfortunately, just saying, "I'm Catholic" wasn't going to get me through this new time in my life. I wasn't in high school anymore. I was going to have to go much deeper. I decided to start living my life differently. I had to be more honest with myself in order to find peace of mind. One of the first things, was to come to terms with my faith, and challenge it. I looked at the Church with new eyes, and saw so many things I didn't agree with. This threw me into a panic, because it felt as if my whole foundation as a person was being shaken. I defined myself through the Church. So, to change that, I stopped going to Mass altogether and began to re-evaluate my life from a more secular perspective.
 

I looked at the relationships in my life. Since the Church was no longer my source of strength at this point, my friends took on a new role. I quickly found that the "quantity" of friends was not as important as the "quality". There had been many great friendships in my past which I allowed to fall by the wayside and pretended that it didn't mean anything....I just moved forward and made new friends. But during the times when I was confused and hurt, my thoughts always went back to these old friends whom I had let go. I kept telling myself to keep moving forward, but something kept holding me back.
One by one, I weeded out those people in my life who were not my true friends and decided to try to repair some old, broken bridges. Hopefully, I would be able to renew the friendships of my past, and find comfort in knowing these friendships were "quality" ones. After many phone calls and hours of conversation, I surprisingly was able to rekindle these relationships and began to find support, encouragement, loyalty, and peace.
 

I made the decision at this time to go back to college and begin a new career. I decided that the career I chose should be one that embodies virtues of a more "giving" nature. Being a famous movie star and having hundreds of fans begging for my autograph seemed like it would be very fulfilling at one point, but as I thought about it, it became clear that it only pulled me into a more egocentric mentality that I truly wasn't happy with. I decided to become a teacher. As I entered the college atmosphere, I found myself very at home there, and decided I would like to teach on that level. Psychology had always been a favorite subject of mine, so I incorporated the two. Upon the completion of my Masters Degree, I began teaching Psychology at a local Community College.
 

I had reconciled the conflicts with my personal relationships, and with my life's goals, but there was still one area I hadn't dealt with. I hadn't been attending Mass, and basically swept religion under the rug for some time. But regardless of whether or not the other things in my life were going well, I still felt that a part of my life was incomplete. I knew that this "religion thing" wasn't going to go away. I guess I saved the best for last!
 

This is when I first began to see that spirituality does play a very important role in people's lives. Even though I was correcting many of the "wrongs" in my life, it kept coming back to my faith, my sense of morality and integrity, and the need to be reconciled with God. Psychologically, I was working through my problems, and coming out ahead, but spiritually something was still missing. I saw that one, without the other, left a void. There is something more profound in life than just having "things in place". I believe that the mind is part of the soul and vice versa. They must be looked at as a pair. The mind gives us the tools to understand and guide our lives through good and bad times. Spirituality adds dimension, fullness, and purpose to that.
 

In order to complete this last part of my journey, I decide to start at the beginning- "....and in the beginning, there was darkness...." (sorry- had to go there!). I began going to different churches and looking into the different aspects of their beliefs and found something curious. Although many of these other churches had what seemed like "easier rules" to follow, and none the dogma of the Catholic Church,  I didn't really "connect" with God  when I attended their services. There are times when you are brought to a level of consciousness where you truly feel “connected” with God. It's difficult to describe in words, but you feel as if you've been elevated. I have only gotten this feeling in the Catholic Church. Maybe it's the ritual, the Gregorian Chants, the candles, the incense......and even if it is, if that's what gets me to God, then that's where I want to be! But on a deeper, more sincere level, the true reason I came back, is that the Catholic Church gave me Christ. It is where I grew up. It is my home. I could never forget that, nor turn my back on that.
 

These last few years I've been trying to reconcile my questions with some of the Church's teachings. What I have found is that most of the basics-- the theology-- I'm okay with. I do believe in transubstantiation; I don't accept a totally literal translation of the Bible; I agree with the place of honor given to the Blessed Mother, and I believe in the intercession of the Saints-- all very "Catholic" ideas. There are still some issues, however, that I have problems with, and it is with these issues that I usually act according to my own conscience.
 

There is a term in the Church which is used to describe those Catholics who pick and choose their doctrines.... "smorgasbord Catholics". I guess I've been one for quite some time now. It had created such guilt in me, that I stopped receiving the Eucharist for seven years, out of respect for the Church. I felt that if I wasn't in "full communion" (as they call it) with the Church, I shouldn't be receiving the Holy Sacrament. I thought I could just attend Mass and that I would be okay with that. But throughout so many years of sitting in the pew while everyone else went up for Communion, I couldn't keep ignoring that something was still missing. I was denying to myself the fact that I was really on the outside looking in. I wasn't fully participating in something that meant so much to me. I spoke with my friend Tommy who is also a Catholic and he was very concerned that I was denying myself Communion, and emphatically pushed me to take care of business! Since it is considered in itself a mortal sin to receive Communion without being in the "state of grace" (in other words, having a mortal sin on your soul), I needed to go to Confession. In the eyes of the Church, because I had not attended Mass for a number of years, and not having   received the Eucharist for a seven year period, I was definitely not in the state of grace!
 

I went to Confession for the first time in over seven years. It was an interesting experience.....I was expecting the priest to give me a tough time. But to my surprise, he couldn't understand why I took myself so seriously, and basically told me to "lighten up"! This threw me.....the things I confessed, he said, shouldn't be keeping me from receiving the Eucharist. I told him that I was brought up very traditionally in the faith and actually started to debate the priest right there in the confessional! He said that although he acknowledged my traditional thinking, as he too, believed in the traditional teachings (he is a Carmelite, which is a very traditional order), he cautioned me of going back to my "black and white", or "blind faith" theology. As human beings with a mind, we will question, and strive to understand. He told me never to stop challenging myself or my faith, and to accept the Eucharist as a tool to seeking oneness with God, especially as it was His gift to us for that very purpose. My penance was to pray for guidance, to keep God's word and the Church's teachings in the proper perspective, and not to be so hard on myself.
 

So, now I am receiving, and I'll tell you, that first Sunday I received after all those years was really great. I was nervous, yet when I took the Host, I felt a sense a peace. It has added such a profound sense of completion to my life. It's difficult to describe. I try always to keep my faith as the center of my life. And now that I am married, it will be the foundation of my family as well. There are still times when I have trouble reconciling receiving the Eucharist, when I'm not in "full communion" with the Church. But I continue to pray for strength and peace, and believe that in God's mercy, He will understand what is in my heart.